Hair Removal

To move forward, I have to analyse the past.

I think in order to explain my relationship with Mr Viss, we need to look at all my previous hair removal ex boyfriends…

Firstly, a lot of people say that your relationship habits are often dictated by the habits of your parents and their relationships, but if I look to my mum, who has been in a long term, monogamous relationship with her very own Mr Bic for around 40 years, then I think I can in some ways dispute this theory. I envy my mum’s strong commitment to Mr Bic, she doesn’t bare scars of ingrown hairs like I do, her skin is always smooth. She hasn’t had brief dalliances with other methods and then ended up baring the scars for months, even years after, taking her experiences on to her next relationship, always starting on the back foot. No, with her Mr Bic, she always knows where she stands.

So, lets delve into some of my past relationship highs and lows:

1) Mr Bic – 

He was my first. And like all girls and their first, I suffered from major “grass is greener” syndrome. A two or three blade disposable razor, often coming in packets of 3 or 5. You can always rely on Mr Bic, you know his shelf life, usually around 2 months. You can always rely on his cost, just under a fiver for a pack of 3, and you always know, that even when you misjudged the situation slightly, and he’s got a bit blunt and you haven’t had chance to renew your relationship with him in the ‘hair removal’ section of Asda, that he will manage to just keep going for another week. Safe, reliable, boring. You think – “There has to be a better way!” You are seduced by the adverts on the television, of girls in waterfalls with bronzed smooth legs, the glamour! You look at Mr Bic with distain, and you throw him aside for a slightly more expensive, better model that you think will take you up a notch.

And so we move on to 2) Mr Venus

I had a brief affair with Mr Venus, and I cheated on him a couple of times with Mr Bic. I’m not proud of this, but things happen. Mr Venus was very high maintenance. He costs at least £5 for your first pack, and then you get replaceable blades ever after, usually for around the £6 mark. These prices may have been subject to inflation as I haven’t liased with Mr Venus for some time after our messy break-up. The carcas of our relationship lies at the back of one of my drawers and I haven’t really ever gotten around to properly tidying it up (I have 1 blade left in a packet but can’t find the original handle). The problem with this 2 piece system is that, on holiday, you remember the blades, but not the handle. You end up buying a new one, and eventually you have 3, and then you run out of blades. Maybe it’s because I’m disorganised, but either way, Mr Venus and I were not compatible. Not only did I cheat on him with Mr Bic, but I also cheated on him with a cheap Wilkinson Sword alternative, not something I’m proud of.

Shortly after followed 3) Mr S Wax:

Mr S Wax’s first name was Salon. He was even higher maintenance than Mr Venus. If Mr Venus was an IT manager with high aspirations and liked to order the 3rd most expensive bottle of wine on the menu, Mr S Wax was a city banker with a taste for Champagne. The main problem with Mr S Wax wasn’t his expensive taste, I quite enjoyed the luxury of the salon visits, no his problem was his mood swings. They were so extreme. In order to be hairless, I had to be really hairy. You have to grow your hair until it’s just over half a centimetre in order to have it ripped out. If you had a social occasion in between waxes, you had to choose between shaving and having to wait another 3 weeks before the growth was long enough. You risked social awkwardness with hairy armpits or legs, sweating in a pair of tights and a long sleeved dress in the height of summer. Yes it was one extreme to the other, massive hairiness or lovely soft smooth skin with no stubble, no inbetween.

I fell out of love with Mr S Wax, and so I began a romance with 4) Mr H Wax

Mr Home Wax is Salon Wax’s brother, so this made family get together’s very awkward. I decided that some of the things that I didn’t like about S Wax could be eliminated by a relationship with his younger brother Home Wax. Mr H Wax didn’t have as high paid job as his older brother, the financial impact of this relationship was much less, however the mood swings were just as extreme, and H Wax left me literally with scars and lumps which I am still dealing with to this day. This relationship was the second most painful and destructive. I wouldn’t have to wait as long between waxes as the cost wasn’t that high, but because the wax is not as pure, and my technique is not as good as a trained beautician, I experienced a lot more pain and ingrown hairs as a result. But the mood swings between extreme hairiness and baldness (and this time the baldness wasn’t as successful) were still a major passion killer. I wanted hair removal on my own time scale and with my own rules, so Mr H Wax was kicked in to touch.

Then came my most damaging relationship of all; 4) The name’s Epil, Silk Epil

Mr Epil, shaken not stirred, was my Epilator. I paid £80 for the latest model half price. This was the most expensive intial outlay to date, and it caused the most damage, damage that I am still paying for today. This was like paying a huge fee up front to join a very exclusive dating site, only be landed with a guy that was into extreme S&M, leaving me with visible scars that make going out in public difficult. The ingrown hairs from Mr Epil have been the worst, the pain of the actual treatement, got easier with time, but really I became numb to it, rather than the treatment getting easier. I apologise for the detail here, but I want to share my experiences so that other women can avoid the same treatment at the hands of Mr Epil. The worst thing were the cysts in my armpits. I thought that these were also ingrown hairs, but it would appear that it was just extremely aggravated skin, ripped at by Mr Epil. The boils were so huge, often 1cm across and painful under pressure, like say, having your arms at your sides like a normal human being. I ex-foliated regularly on my legs to stop the in-grown hairs but even though I broke up with Mr Epil over 6 months ago, I am still finding ingrown hairs, and my legs are still pock marked with scars from the regular ingrown hairs. It seemed that no matter how hard In tried, nothing was ever good enough. Eventually I worked up the strength to leave Mr Epil, and in my angst I turned to the only person I knew I could trust… Mr Bic. Good old Mr Bic, oh how I wish that I had believed in you from the start. My skin is now damaged and I can only hope that time will heal it.

Now I am in a strange 3 way relationship between 2 partners, Mr Bic and 5) Mr Viss 

Mr Viss is like a millionaire playboy with women all over the world. He doesn’t care that I carry on with Mr Bic for 2 weeks of every 3, he feels it keeps me off his back, allows him his own time, and I don’t ask him about what he does for those 2 weeks without me. Mr Viss costs £400 RRP. He was meant to be the saviour of me, the answer to all my prayers, removing my hair no matter the cost. So far it seems like he’s not managing it. My arm pits, although the cysts have subsided almost as soon as I broke it off with Mr Epil, are not getting any less hairy. No bald patches. My legs are developing bald patches, I think that Mr Viss may give me what I’m wanting, but as with all my previous relationships, apart from Mr Bic, he’s not going to give me it on my own terms. I’ll keep you updated on my progress with Mr Viss. I don’t think now that I am ever going to manage a monogamous relationship, how I wish I had realised how lovely Mr Bic was, I should have just stuck with him.

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