I have begun the 100 years war on my body hair, and like any war, as negotiations are failing, the situation has escalated fast.
First, in my teens, it started out as guerilla warfare. I’d go for weeks with periods of inactivity, before bursting out with an intense surprise attack. Then it evolved into a more sustained battle, daily shaving, similar to the stalemate of trench warfare. Neither side is going to win, I’m always going to have a shaving rash, and it’s never going to have an affect on hair growth. Then I decided to bring out the big guns… waxing. This is akin to rolling out the tanks. Fairly invincible it’s going to have an effect on hair growth in the end, but much like tanks rolling around the countryside, it’s going to have a fairly sizeable effect on the landscape, quite literally leaving scars.
So, recently, I went nuclear on the situation. I bought an IPL light system. This is a machine that emits intense pulses of light on to recently shaved skin to impact maximum damage on the hair root, having a lasting impact on the hairs ability to grow, and it’s working, everywhere apart from my arm pits. The last frontier. I’m in a quandary… I’ve run out of weaponry. This was my last shot! My arms budget is run dry, there are no more aircraft carriers, harrier jump jets or nuclear submarines. I am the UK.
So I’ve figured that I just need to use what I have left, and just drop regular bombs. So sod the recommended 2 week intervals for treatments, once a week is my new armpit IPL regime, and instead of shaving, I’m using hair removal cream, and then I’m zapping. Total all out warfare, for as long as it takes for my arm pits to stop being hairy.
Also, I’d like to point out that my armpits are not just lying down and taking this battle, no, they’re fighting back with their own kind of guerilla warfare. It seems to me that ever since I started zapping them, not only has the hair continued to grow back, but it’s got bristlier! My armpits are like that hedgehog boot brusher that your nan/aunty has at the back door! It’s making shaving more uncomfortable (hence the hair removal cream).
So the war has begun, and like any good war correspondent, I will fight my way to the centre of the most ferocious battles to bring you regular and up to date reports on the action.