I recently found a pair of Apple Bottom jeans in a charity shop. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to do this lyrically inspired song justice as I was not wearing ‘the boots with the fur’ as T-Pain so eloquently puts it. Usually clothing, when featured in a hip-hop song, is already highly desirable and massively expensive. Seeing as my only acquaintance with this clothing has been this song I was expecting a lot more than what I got.
Visit www.applebottomsuk.com and allow me to give you a guided tour.
The front page starts off well enough. There is a beautiful girl lounging around on a sofa looking suitably ‘hip-hop’ and glamorous:
Fair enough I thought. So I click on the link for ‘jeans’ in order to price up the saving on the item I found in the charity shop and I was appalled by what I saw.
Firstly, they’re a lot cheaper than I had been expecting, which makes them a lot less appealing. Secondly, the bottom of the website proudly states that there are 5 new styles in store – when you click on the link, there are only 4 (I keep thinking that I shouldn’t be disappointed by this because at least it’s less images of ill fitting jeans for me to be repulsed by. Thirdly, as you may have guessed from my previous comment, the term “Apple Bottom” is deceiving. I imagine an image of a lovely round derrière, encased in tight stretchy denim, perfect for getting low-low-low-low-low-low-low. What I am faced with is anything ‘butt’ (sorry couldn’t help myself!):
Let’s go in for a close up…
That’s right, for only £29.99 you can look like an incontinent fat person. Why!? WHY!? What on earth possesses someone to add these to their cart?! How’d ya like them apples? Well, quite frankly I am repulsed.
Up until this point £3.50 for a pair of jeans that were cool enough to be mentioned in a song was looking like a pretty good deal, but not any more! Nasty nasty nasty apples.
I know they look like different jeans but I think it’s just the way the flash caught them. No wonder these ended up in a charity shop if you end up looking like you’ve shat yourself on a camel every time you put them on.
Oh, so terrible! So awful! So hideous! Words can not describe my revulsion! (Although you can see that I have tried my best…)