New house

See the light

I am not sure what the previous owners had against the colour white. Every single wooden surface in this house, which in any other house would be traditional white, is instead either pink, cream, olive or avocado, and that’s being complimentary as I would otherwise describe it as a pastel shade of goat diarrhoea.

I wish I could write them an open letter:

Dear deluded house owners,

I appreciate and understand the need to be different from the masses, the desire to stand out from the crowd and the wish to make your own mark on society, though I may question the wisdom of attempting to do it in a 3 bed semi, the archetypal suburban residence.

However, may I point out that sometimes the reason that EVERYONE does something is simply because it is the best way to do it. No arguing. It just is.

Take your desire to paint wooden window surrounds cream or the colour of the inside of a compost bin (rotting green), these absorb light and they look dirty from the word go.

I can only presume from your interior decoration taste that you are actually vampires, like a fatter, more psychotic and much less attractive version of Twilight. Robbing your space of as much light as possible.

I am in the midst of rectifying your bizarre ‘taste’ by painting things, shock horror, white. As a result I am helping to reflect more light into the rooms.

May I recommend the television channel ‘More 4’, and two people called Kevin McCloud and Kirsty Allsop, who may be able to point you in the right direction. Failing that, I recommend sectioning or the development of a time machine to take you back to the mid 70s

Sincerely, concerned resident,

Megan Hine

See the difference in the kitchen and living room window frames which were previously the same colour

The kitchen window

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The living room window

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Both together

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I aware that we have a serious case of condensation in this window but next year this will be ripped out and replaced with UPVC patio doors.

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